July 20, 2018

Day 2

3:23 PM

Today was pretty bad, I suppose. I didn't really do anything again. Woke up at noon and proceeded to panic about how my shirt company (shameless plug EDIT 12/22/2019 THIS WEBSITE DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE) is pretty much getting 0 traction. Oftentimes I see successful people and say something like "oh, they were already popular to begin with" or "he just has a lot of connections". I never really acknowledge the skill and effort people put into things. Probably because my own efforts never really seem to amount to anything.

I need to start being more humble. I always pretend like my time is never well spent unless I'm doing something big or radically successful, but the truth is that my time should always be spent trying to better myself. I should be open to just spending a day drawing or writing, even if nobody sees the results or the energy I put into those hours. Because as long as I'm interested and I'm actually trying, I'll see results myself if I put in the effort. It just won't be immediate.

That's the thing I have the problem with: non-immediate results. I want that instant gratification. I want my efforts to have tangible results, immediately. But it doesn't work like that. I'm not a prodigy, and I haven't put in enough effort to have any expectations.

Sometimes I feel like I just don't listen to myself. Like, I understand what's going on, and I have pretty good awareness of the situation I'm in. But I just can't accept it. I don't want to have to do what everyone else does. Because I'm special, and a special snowflake gets to have everything he wants, apparently. Sometimes I really hate myself. I just want to get a move on.

This went in a darker direction than I anticipated. Oh well.

Not like anyone reads this, anyways.

- Sam