August 13, 2018

Worrying, Part 2

1:54 AM

So I got into the honors program anyways. Felt really relieved at first then also really dumb because I'd spent the last 4 days just wallowing in depression, only to find out that it didn't really do anything. I kind of just wasted 4 days of happiness.

I'm going to orientation tomorrow, which makes me pretty nervous. I suck at meeting people, and I never really know when to introduce myself. Tonight I attended a going-away party for one of my very good friends. It was like 75% people that I didn't know. Seems like a good chance to get to know people, right?

Well, it was. Kind of. I feel like I could've met a lot more people if I didn't just stand around and not talk to anyone. I did eventually talk to some people and got a few names down, but not until the party was already over. I guess I'm always worried that strangers will think I'm strange. I also have the fear that the people I'll be introducing myself to won't really be accepting of me or my awkwardly reached-out hand.

Once again on my self-diagnosis of my own problems, this probably comes from the fact that I don't really trust a lot of people to just be nice to me. Oftentimes I assume that strangers are just far too volatile for me to talk to. The chance of them being cool and chill is just overwhelmed by the fear of them being something unexpected. In other words, I'm just too worried that stuff won't work out. Which is why I waited three hours to introduce myself to the cute girl that I'll probably never see again because I couldn't find her on Facebook off of her first name alone. Whatever.

I hope that I will stop worrying about what's going to go wrong. Shit goes bad all the time. It happens, and I have to get used to it. And it literally goes against the theme of this entire blog to not take any risks. Risks are a fundamental part of life. They bring danger, but also excitement and surprises. And sometimes, they carry a huge reward. Worry is an optional part of life. It doesn't really do anything positive.

So I'm going to try to talk to as many people as I can tomorrow, no matter how intimidating they look or how scared I am that I'll mess it up in front of another cute girl. Because at the end of the day, what's the worst that can happen?

Okay, well, a lot. It can get pretty bad. But it's worth a shot.

Because it's an adventure, right?

roll credits

- Sam