August 16, 2018

And Once Again, He Turns Back On The Path From Whence He Came

4:53 PM

Working is so hard. I legitimately mean it. I'm sitting again in a coffee shop with my laptop, hoping that I'll get something done. But I'm not. For the past ten minutes, I've just been sitting here, sifting through my tabs in a vain effort to find something to work on. I suppose I'm just not in the right mindset to work, which doesn't even make any sense. I should be ready to work anytime.

I mean, if I think hard about it, I can come up with a list of things to work on. I could write a short story to practice my screenwriting and fiction. I could sketch out that windbreaker design that my friend wanted me to finish for him. I could learn how to code or how to speak Japanese. But coming up with things to do is easy. It's starting the work that actually is the hardest for me. I just can't seem to get the ball rolling.

Every time that I'm close to getting started, I just kind of talk myself out of it. There's no point to doing this specific activity, I'd say. Or perhaps it wouldn't make any sense to do it here, and I would tell myself that I would start on it when I got home and had access to my better computer with my better tools.

Working is easy when I have deadlines. For example, if I was assigned homework or someone else asked me to do a favor for them, I'd have no problem just getting cracking on whatever it is that needed my attention. But those were all outsourced tasks for someone else. I didn't actually care about the homework I did. I just did it. Similarly, things with inevitable deadlines and completable stages weren't really work to me. They were just things to do. Work had to be something that I came up with and completed myself.

In retrospect, that doesn't make it seem much different. But coming up with work also means that you have to set deadlines and goals for yourself. Doing that is often extremely frustrating for me, as I would never even follow my deadlines. After all, they had no meaning. I just made them up on the spot, so there was no real reason to follow them. Everything was just an excuse to push things back even more.

In fact, even this blog post is a form of procrastination. I pretty much write one of these whenever I have nothing better to do, or if I need to convince myself that I'm doing something productive. Does this even count as work? I'd say it does, just to make myself feel better.

But work isn't about making myself feel better. It's just about grinding it out.

Until next time.

- Sam